Could of been? But then....

This is not a "I hate my life and wish I made different choices" kind of blog. But here lately I have been thinking about if I chose different paths in my past, where would I be today? Would I like who I was? Would I be sincerely happy with myself?

For example, if I did choose to go to the Art Institute of Chicago back in 2002 would I be living in the windy city? Would I be working in a large design firm?

Or lets go back a little further if I didn't go that route to school that morning in high school... would my life be different? Would I be different?

Things have been playing over and over and over in my head of what could have been.

But then again, if those things did actually take place... I wouldn't be who the person I am today. I wouldn't have the relationships that I have today. I wouldn't be the woman who've I become. I wouldn't have gone to the places that I've been too. I wouldn't have been as impacted, touched, and blessed as I am now.

I'm human though... I just wonder sometimes....

:oD

It was a clear as day (with no rain) message to me

This past Friday my plans were really scattered. Last Sunday at church David Maynard, the owner of the campground "Pleasant Vineyard Ministries," made an announcement about an art retreat going on this weekend at the camp. They had something like this like 2 years ago, I remember that I wanted to attend it then too, but was unable to do so. So I approached him about attending this weekend.... Long story short... I did go.

But that isn't the odd... ok not odd. Let's say SLAP in my face, telling me that I should go. All day I had been bouncing back and forth, then juggling a bunch of ideas for "Friday night festivities." In the forefront of my mind was this retreat, but then the fact that I had NOTHING packed... clothes, bedding,  bathroom materials, as well as my acrylic art supplies; including brushes, paper towels, etc. As well, I needed to find a book that I was willing to turn it into something different. So I guessed, or "made my mind up not to go" (because I wasn't ready to go). Kinda bummed, I had settled on going to small group that's on Friday nights, because I hadn't been in at least 2 months (school reasons, and lack of cash for gas). But then something really odd happend, or should I say devine. My last friend (student) left at like 4:30, and I spent like 30-45 minutes closing my room. I even double checked things TWICE. So I clocked out at like 5:15 PM. So I made a phone call to my friend David to see if everything was still standing with his offer to me.

I had time to go home, change my shirt, and I grabbed three books: Crazy Love, and my two books of poetry that I've written in over the past 5 years. In the back of my mind I really didn't want to take apart these two books, but I grabbed them any way.

Going to the camp, turns out that it's only like 10 minutes from my house!! So I actually got there at like 6:30ish. How can I say that I wasn't ment to be there?

The name of this retreat was: Spiritual Awakenings; A Creativity Retreat

When I got there during the time when Trisha McKinney was giving us the run down on what exactly we'd be doing, I really realized I did not want to do what was being talked about doing to our books. Everybody else had books that were hard-backed, had thick pages, etc... I then realized that I did have a book that I could use. It was the Beth Moore book Living Free. I had this book in the trunk of my car right after I graduated from SAA. So we are talking that it's been in my car's trunk for like 7 years.

While everyone else was prepping their books/pages; I was taking everything out of my trunk to find this book. In the midst of my search I started have a little freak out attack because it wasn't exactly where I thought I had seen it last. It was under the "fold" out seat that I won from the American Heart Association's "Walk-a-thon."

Since I didn't have anything else with me so all I did was just prep for actually painting the next day.

This was the name tage that Trisha made for us:

Now I didn't get the entire book completed. But I did get a few pages finished, as well as I got a good head start on 3 other pages.

This is the cover:

These next two pieces are on both sides of the book. As well I've covered all the words except for 7: "Ministry, Guiding believers, God, I will, Pray, Abundant Life."

As well in my gesso that I painted as my base I wrote in the wet paint, on the right side; "We are" & the left side; "Forever love."

The next one I actually cut from the book as a free piece of paper. I reenforced the page with a thicker piece of paper and covered one side in gesso. I attempted so much with this paper, and I never liked what it came out to be. This being said, this piece was actually my first attempted at this new style of painting.  It's still not finished. But you can see what it is now. I originally had a lot of words picked out for this page. But now there is only one word that, technically, not painted, but it accidentally kinda is, "Relying." 

This next one came out, I think rather, cool! The main idea of this page was "Strongholds." The title pf this page in the book was, "Demolishing Strongholds" and I liked it, so I kept it. A well, "A Mighty Fortress, Strong, Did not have to be afraid." And scripture, "With my lips I recount all the laws that come from your mouth" and "The Lord is my light... whom shall I be afraid."

The next one I used leaves on, Halloween Spider Webbing (which I took off when it was dry), tape used for drywalling (it has tiny holes in it, I don't know what it's called exactly), and wrote in the we gesso "Your my all and all" (and I just realized that's poor grammer.... crap). The words I left visible  "Belief, Believer, and Holy Spirit"

This next one may or may not be competed? I'm not exactly sure... but the words that I left unpainted are: "Trustworthy and relationship"

The last two pages that I started are not finished :o(
But I think they look pretty good so far! These two pages are actually in the book where as the last 3 I actually cut/ripped out of the book.
The words that are in these two pages are: "Purpose, Jesus, love, and happy" on page 1st

Then on the 2nd page: "Promising, determination, powerful, and Hallelujah."

What I found very interesting was the fact that the word that I got for this retreat was "Purpose." I have a feeling that I'm suppose to get back to my painting?

Oh I want too.... so badly. But the time right now that I do have... or not is completely soaked up by work, school, and homework. Speaking of which I have two pages to write for my MTH 116 A class group data analysis by tomorrow night (need to be DONE.... ready to merge with my groups corresponding 4 pages). BLAH.... ARGH.... freaking out a bit.... BLAH.....

I haven't felt centered, relaxed, able to totally be one with the Father for a while!!! I SO NEEDED THESE PAST TWO DAYS!!!! That word "Purpose" to me means that I am where I am suppose to be. That God has a devine purpose for this specific time in my life. And all the aggravation that I deal with pertaining to my course work, scheduling test times with both ODR and my job, tutoring (for SPN 101), meeting up with Butler Co. Disability Services (to see about help with costs of school), and an entire variety of other things; it all has meaning. I need to slow down and savor each step, test, discussion (with any one about anything), and take in every little thing (Color, tone (musical or not), emotion, experience).

Cardiomyopathy and Saddle Thrombus?

This is my child, Jeremiah Lee. I adopted him in August of 2003. He was born June 24, 2003. AMAZING cat!!! Really seriously great friend to me throughout the years. He knows how to read me very well! He has this sense that he knows my moods, you know happy and sad.

July 19, 2012 I came home from work to find him laying on the floor in the hall, infront of the bathroom. I called out his name. Jeremiah looked up at me and started to attempt to get up and come to me (like he normally does), but he couldn't. I went to him and stood him up on all fours and he fell to the left side. Not able to stand at all.

I immediately called Banfield (with only a matter of minutes left till they closed). They referred me to call Grady 24hr Emergency Vet. I took him there right away. The woman behind the counter took Jeremiah from my arms and straight to the back. About 45 minutes later the Vet came into the little room that they put us in to talk about him. She had many theories of what could have happened. The main thing that she highly suspected is that he threw a clot in his spine. For another word he suffered from a stroke in his back. She assured me that this wasn't a progression of symptoms, and that he suffered from this while I was at work that day. They wanted to keep him for a total of 48 hours, but they only kept him for 24 hours.  They kept him on IV's and started steroids and baby aspirin.

When I picked him up he was just looking amazing!! Stinky, but amazing!!!

He did SOOOOO good after that frightful Thursday!!! When he got home Friday night he walked around the house to make sure everything looked the same.

That's how he was up until I left to house sit for my cousin, at least as far as I know up till yesterday/this morning.

I was on my way to the Cincinnati Vineyard Community Church to do the Good Sam Run Outreach when I get a phone call from my dad, about Jeremiah. Having an episode like he had last month. I was on 747, headed into Springdale when I got dad's call. I immediately turned down Port Union Road to shoot up By Pass 4 then home.

The vet was looking at him for a few minutes in the back (I watched while he did this with a door between us). He came in and suggested that he "may have a Hyperthyroid" I stopped him mid-sentence and said that the blood results came back and said he didn't have that. He looked at me and pretty much said "How do you know" kind of expression on his face. I then got my cell phone out and played him the message that Dr Hardig left me regarding his results.

He excused himself so that he can throughly review Jeremiah's medical records to know a better approach to treating his condition. When he came back in his said that his blood work up was really good. And just in looking at that one wouldn't think anything is wrong with him.

He asked me if anyone has taken pictures of his chest, I told him no. Then he started talking about the possibility of Jeremiah having something wrong with his heart. I internally started to freak out. When he sent his vet tech in to talk about the cost of the x-ray, and told me that they would cost me $140's. I knew/know I didn't have the money for it. So I called my dad.

Dad and I had a talk... that I needed to be prepared to make an important decision for Jeremiah here, maybe, soon. By then I was nothing but tears. I need to think about his quality of life from here on out. Thinking and praying hard. I stick my head out the door that went back to where they kept the pets and did all their work with them, to ask the doctor to come in and talk to him more about Jeremiah's quality of life. I'm still crying, and trying to hold it together to have a, some what, civilized conversation with this vet. He told me that he couldn't give me a defiant answer with out the x-rays.

About a hour later they called me and told me that the x-rays were in and that the vet would like to speak to me. When I got back to Banfield the vet asked me to step back in the back to see both slides next to each other. He told me that it was just as he suspected with his heart. He has cardiomyopathy with saddle thrombus. He wants to keep him on his aspirin and Prednisone schedule. But he also wanted to add in there another drug; Enalapril. So he's on those three now, plus Amoxicillin and eye drops.

But that wasn't all. His G.I. system is backed up, as well it showed his bladder was full. The vet said that when the tech put the litter box in the cage with him he went to the bathroom. What concerned him was that his BM was so dark (like dark chocolate- dark). He said that it could mean that he's digesting blood, meaning he may have tumor in his large intestine. So he put Jeremiah on a laxatone gel that you can put on a cat's foot,  on their nose, or in their food. I'm going to put it in his food. To help get things moving easier for him.

While we were in the little clinic room, Jeremiah was walking around the room. Stiff legged, but walking around. He wasn't doing that when I picked him up from my dad's. Before Jeremiah and I left the vet went ahead and gave him his med's (the one that I had there with me, and the Enalapril). When I got him home he received the rest of his drugs (but they aren't the "happy kind"). The vet wanted to call me tomorrow (or today since now it's the 11th) and see how he's doing. But I won't be hom until later on. So I told them that I would call them on Monday about how Jeremiah is doing.

Needless to say that I didn't make it to the Good Sam Run today. But that's okay. I did however drive over 140 miles in all from 9 AM to about 7 PM. That would be going from my cousin's house (or in the vicinity of their house) to my dad's house, to get Jeremiah, then back to the Bridgewater Falls area, to the vet. Then from the vet's back to my dad's, because he helped me out with the cost of the x-rays. Then back to the Vet to get Jeremiah, and take him back to dad's house. Then I went to Wal-mart in Oxford to get a kitty litter box that had a top to it, then back to dad's house. To drive back to my cousin's place to feed her babies. Then I went to the Cincinnati Vineyard's celebration service tonight, then back to the house. I didn't want to go, but I did.

I called Stephanie to see how he was doing. She called me back. He's pretty much acting like he did this morning. I wish I was there with him!! I'll be home tomorrow.... I just hope he's doing better!!!

One world order = End times coming VERY SOON

Ok, so I didn't write this post. My friend Dan Stange wrote it as his status update yesterday, about Obama care:


"So I'm going to get up on a soapbox here. I highly recommend you at least read through this whether you agree with me or not. 

Having intelligent thoughts and/or conversation is always welcome.

I am going to preface this by saying a couple of things. First off, I am a healthcare provider, so I see a lot of things first hand. From health care costs, health insurance premium costs, to both proper and improper use of the Medicaid system. I also know what it is like to be unemployed for a year while looking for work.

I do not know who all has been keeping track, but one of the provisions of the Healthcare act, otherwise known as Obamacare is to require every single american to HAVE to carry health insurance. That may not sound like a terrible thing at first glance, but let us consider the facts.

The supreme court has ruled on this clause in the act. They have two choices:
Find the mandate unconstitutional
Say it IS constitutional, and counts as a 'Tax'. The only way it is constitutionally supported to force people to pay anything to the government is by calling it a tax.

The supreme court ruled that it counts as a Tax.

So now we're left with choices, either we take insurance through our work IF we have a job, you find your own insurance plan and pay for it out of pocket (an extra bill), or you are REQUIRED to pay the government for their healthcare plan (an extra bill).

So worst case scenario, Obamacare is unconstitutional.
Best case scenario, it is in fact a tax. As a tax, it is going to flat out be the MOST expensive tax in the country outside of income tax and property tax. 

What many people don't realize is that while it costs an individual about $150 a month to take insurance through a place they work, their workplace is paying for the majority of that healthcare coverage. In fact, if the workplace were not paying their share of your health benefits, it would cost anywhere from $300 to $600 per month to pay for the entire thing yourself, and that is a conservative estimate.

Let's say you have a person that does not work, but they have too much pride to take the 'free handout' of a Medicaid program. They are getting by doing odd jobs and making money on the side because they do not have a lot of bills.
Along comes Obamacare, and this person HAS to take an insurance plan. They may have been looking for a steady job for a year now with no luck, so work insurance is not an option. They cannot afford to pay the rate if they have no workplace paying a share of the healthcare. Their options now are pay this so-called tax and not have any money for themselves, or sign up for the Medicaid program they do not want.

But wait,
People argue that this is acceptable, like 'car insurance being required'. 
These things are not the same. Car insurance is required so that some jackass doesn't hit you in his car and stick you with the bill because he cannot pay you back. It is liability only that is required, not full coverage. Your healthcare is in your own hands.

If you choose to take the risk of not fully insuring your car against accidents that are your fault, that is acceptable. You have that choice.

If you choose to take the risk of not insuring your healthcare, while not necessarily the best idea, this will no longer be an option. Your healthcare is much more similar to full coverage than to liability, as your actions directly affect your risk of needing that service, and they should both be optional.

So let's look at the implications of this mandate. First off, they're requiring you to take a service you may have no interest in paying for.

Secondly, this will actually put an undue burden on people that lack jobs and/or money in an already struggling economy. 

Here are some hypothetical situations just to get people thinking about the ramifications of this act.

Situation one, a person loses their job for a year. (NOT impossible in this day and age) What if they cannot afford to pay for health insurance, and decide instead to be extra healthy and careful not to be injured while they are out of work.

Along comes Obamacare, and now this person is REQUIRED to pay for a health insurance service they do not want. They planned on being careful and staying healthy, now they have a bill for an extra couple hundred dollars a month. This now puts an extra burden on the individual.

Situation two, a person does have a job, but it does not offer benefits and does not pay well. They took a crap job in a bad economy to pay their bills.
This person does not take out a health insurance plan either because their job's plan is too expensive, and on their low income they cannot afford to take that much money out of their check each month. 

Along comes Obamacare. This person who was just getting by now HAS to take health insurance. They now can no longer afford their bills. They are left with two options now: Keep working and not be able to afford this additional bill and possibly lose their home, or stop working and apply for Medicaid and get to keep their home. The easier choice is obvious. I know not everyone is in a marginal situation such as this, but just watch, our tax payer dollars will be spent even more to support the Medicaid system, because if your choices are work and pay this extra bill you cannot afford, or don't work and have the state pay your bills, it's an easy choice, but not one that helps the rest of the taxpayers. But who can blame them? The government is essentially backing EVERYONE into a corner with this act.

So remember, 
Best case scenario is that this is a very high tax on any people that are not working, not making enough money and want to opt out of paying for healthcare, or an additional tax on people single people that cannot find a job. This will shift more and more people onto the Medicaid state systems and foodstamps simply out of lack of choice.

So Best case is Obamacare is increasing taxes by a substantial amount.

Worst case scenario, Obamacare is taking away our rights as Americans and is just flat out unconstitutional.

Say what you will, un-friend me if you must, but I say to you this:

It is unethical, and un-american to require people to take a service they have to pay for against their will. 

Romney has vowed to repeal Obamacare if elected. 
Republicans need only 4/12 open seats in Congress this year to get a majority, and they want to repeal this act as well.

A vote for ANYONE that is not Obama in 2012 is either a vote to protect our constitutional rights, or a vote to avoid unduly high taxation. 

Either way, I urge people to avoid paying this additional tax, and keep our rights from being taken away 1 step at a time.

Vote for anyone but Obama in 2012. Sure he's charismatic, but from all reports I've heard so were a lot of leaders in history that are now deemed terrible.

I am not asking you to become republican. I am simply asking you to take a step back and look at the situation objectively, and evaluate who is going to protect our liberties the most come election day.

I know who has already shown they want to take away our liberties.
I know how I will vote this year."

I really feel like this is more signs of "end times." People in politics have already started talking about changing our currency to the uro. Now health care? For the low income people who are single, have families, single and have children forcing them to pay for this is like saying, "Maybe suicide is the better option?" 

My spirit is saying that this is what it is.... Some say that this could start a revolution... I just say God may be sending his Son sooner than some of us may think. I know what will happen to me when the rapture happens, I'm gonna see my Jesus. What will happen to you?

Forgotten Letter

Okay so last fall.... early winter I wrote (yes, pen and paper) a letter to the lead singer of the Contemporary Christian Group; Addison Road, Jenny Simmons. My letter was about how the song, What do I know of Holy? challenged me as a christian, a single woman, and inspired me to keep on keeping on with where I am at right now in this journey called "life." Not to mention my letter was like 3 pages long (one sided).

TOTALLY forgot about the letter!!!!

Today with my thoughts completely submerged in my finals, if I'm going to pass with a "B" or a "C" in my ENG 336 class, the looming last final of the year this Saturday at 12:20 my brain was seriously spinning at a pace that no stress level should ever reach. When I got home this evening I walked to the mail box to get our mail (duh), opened the box to see a little pink envelope sitting on top of like 3 other articles of mail. And it was addressed to myself. I LOVE getting mail, especially if it's not a bill!!! As I'm sure all of you enjoy it too!! I look at the return address and it said it came from Irving, TX. My first thought was that it was from Premier Designs' home office, or prayer minister's of the business. But to my delight it wasn't (not that getting a card or something nice from them isn't a delight... b/c it is).

This card, with a hand written letter inside, was from Jenny Simmons. It's funny how God's timing works out sometime, and in the same way it is completely perfect!!!

She opens up her letter with the fact that her family and her are in the process of moving to Nashville, TN and as they were packing and moving some furniture when she found my letter, unopened. So she apologized that it was miss placed. She spoke about how when you are 30 one get a sense of "settled-ness" that comes with this age. Not so much in the "plans" but in the sense that - who you are starts to grow roots and flourish and all of the sudden we get it and can say, "Oh- so that is how God created me." Settling into yourself - In my case; even in the midst of going back to school, working, etc. She goes on to say/state that it is perhaps what has allowed me to finally embrace the voice & art that God had put inside of me.

Jenny goes on to quote her father, "God will not call you to something only once, but will whisper... sometimes scream it to you time and time again." She goes on to tell me that it seemed that He keeps drawing me back to be the one who captures and creates beauty. As artists we are called to express beauty, expose truth, and question everything in between.

"I wonder what hand questions God will face people with through YOUR ART?" She goes on to encourage me, "Stay faithful and be courageous."

Like I said I needed this today.

Yey God!!!! I love you Abba!!!!

A's in all my classes but one ='s no happy dance for me this semester

My week is going soooooo extremely slow. But I guess that's the nature of the beast when it's finals week? I'm doing pretty good.... I have had two, I totally rocked out a 100% on my EDT 190 (a what "teaching really means" kind of class) and I'm not too sure about my ENG 226 (a creative writing class, and I think this prof is a total creeper) but I have a really high A before the final so I'm sure I aced this as well. 2 down 2 left to go. The one today is an "Applied Learning Project" paper that has to be 5-7 pages long.... and I'm 10 lines past 7 pages. I'm freaking out just a little bit, b/c yes I will get docked points for it being over. I have spent hours pouring over the paper and have cut a lot out... as well my friend has looked over it and found nothing to cut. This is the only class I'm worried about, I have A's in all my other classes, but this class I have totally no clue what I have. The professor is not as informative as the other ones I have or have had.

For the proposal we had to submit for this "ALP" final paper, we had to have some "Works Cited" listed in the proposal. I had been looking for things I could use in my research but I was unable to locate anything pertaining to my topic of choice because it was such a very broad topic. So I submitted it with nothing cited, because I had nothing to cite. With that being said, I had noticed that under the Niihka grade book for this class (my grades) I had a 0/25 for the proposal. I had mentioned something to her about the "0," and she said that "I should look in the 'notes' section as to why it says zero. I never give zero's without a comment or reasoning." Well, I looked... NO COMMENTS. I resend her my proposal like she asked me too, and she responded with that fact that I had stated about the cited material, that she would only give me a 12.5/25 points.

I have a 40/50 for our "Group lead student discussion." NO OTHER GRADES ARE LISTED!!! I know I have to do a few blogs (at 10 pts a blog I have about 4 to do today) about some of the readings we had in class.... easy cheezy stuff. But I'm seriously FREAKING about this STUPID PAPER!!!!

For my visual for this ALP final (when we had like 15 min's to present our project in the class) I did a painting/illustration of a little slave boy.

I save the jpg to my flash drive on my key chain and took it to Wal-Mart and had an 8x10 printed. I titled the picture "Ray" and wrote the class info at the bottom right corner with my signature and year. I plan to give this too her when I return the books to her in a little bit. I guess you can say I'm "kissing up" to her better nature (or at least hope to) so I can get by with the 10 extra lines in my paper?

When I presented my project to the class, it went over good (at least I thought it did...). When I was collecting my material (books, papers, and the painting) when I was finished present it, she said "Now, you said I could have that painting right?" Um... no.... I responded with, "Ya sure you can have it... but I'll need $250's when I give it too you." After saying that I think the price should be a little higher? What do you all think?

But I'm stressed... my heart feels like it's beating OUT OF MY CHEST and my hands are shaking (at least it feels like this).

I need to get moving.... BLAH!! 

I'm out............................................................................ 

Sex Exploitation.... I THINK NOT!!!!

Ok confession here....

For the past 11 months I have been on match.com. I did the 6 months at first and didn't meet anyone, so I got my next 6 months free. My freeness will be up on May 19th, and NO I will not be renewing... more like I'll be deleting. STILL haven't met anyone worth while. Seems to be that most the guys that are on this site are looking for an easy lay.

My profile, at least I think, talks about how important my relationship with my Heavenly Father is & how I think for my spouse (or any man I date, or consider to) should be as well. I do not want to be unevenly yoked what so ever. That means just a lot of unneeded pain that I will only call upon myself if I should be.

With all that being said I woke this morning to find a notification in my email saying that someone emailed me from match. This is a screen shot from my phone of what the email said...

Needless to say I totally blocked him!! It's time like this when I feel like all hope is so lost in the dating world!

I mean what would even give this creep the idea that I would just have a radically random "hook up?"

What a way to even begin a day.... I'm seriously more than creeped out!!!! As well, I'm very highly insulted!!!

But I am NOT going to let it ruin this beautiful day!!! I'm gonna go to work (at the Goddard School) and rock the day out with some amazing 4 year olds!!! Then I'm going to come home and do homework. C'est la vie