Watching Paint Dry

Waiting for paint to dry on my canvas so I thought I’d blog a bit about what I have been going through here lately. I have been troubled for the past few weeks… okay that is a lie… more like months about numerous things that I tend to squash in my heart and try to pay no attention too. But I cannot do this any longer. Because the “squashed” feelings, emotions, thoughts, and call it what you want are surfacing. I know that they are surfacing because a good friend, Becky Maglich, and I are starting a prayer journey about different things that have been allowed into my life through various different events that I have survived through, been through in my subconscious, and have had to deal with on a “real world” level.

So Becky and I are revisiting these major things and one by one we are casting them out so that they no longer reside in my life, but more importantly hinder my walk with Christ. I have noticed the feeling of rejection a lot in the past days. And that little voice in my mind reminding me that I am not valued, wanted, loved, and even appreciated. It is a daily voice that seems to be a companion of mine (but is so not wanted). The more unimportant the thing that I feel being left out of… the LOUDER this voice is.

Even in relationships (i.e.: with friends, a guy, even among family members) I feel like I am a burden to everyone with wanting to feel needed in our relationship. Simple things… Why did they not ask me to help out, why does it fee like he/she is avoiding me, or even why was I not invited? It has even gotten as far as me counting the days since I last sang with our worship team at church. A strong feeling of betrayal lingers in my mind, but why? Even more so “forgotten” seems to haunt my every thought. I find myself sitting by myself a lot now wishing, hoping, and praying that someone, anyone would read my thoughts, even see past the whiteness in my eyes and see the hurt that is there.

But here lately I am beginning to think that wishes do not come true in this case? It is my prayer that after this journey of closing doors that Becky is helping me through that these voices will cease to be in my thoughts and in my head. I know that they have no place in my life or within me.

But for now words affirmation are really encouraged and wanted. But really do not feel forced to give any if you do not have real words of wisdom and love. I do not know how long this spiritual journey is going to take me, and I can imagine that there will be a lot of tears on the path from me. But what is my comfort is that the Lord promises that he will NEVER leave me or even forsake me. The Lord is my joy, my refuge, and my total strength during this time. He has a promise for me on the other side of the mountain that I plan to take in full of when I reach it!!

I know my life will be better going through this, but for now I feel very stirred.